As a child, I never realized that I was struggling with a disease. I knew that I was a lot sadder and darker and anxious than others. I actually hated myself for being SO much different than the people around me, really struggling about not being "enough" (good, pretty, funny- all of the above). I had suicidal thoughts and feelings as young as I can remember, crying in my room after getting in trouble or having a rough day at school. I would think things like wishing I was dead, hating God for forcing me into this life and hating myself most of all. I cut myself for a long time and no one noticed besides my best friend, who let me know how important I am and how silly it is to think the things I had been thinking. Her intentions were pure but I couldn't see that light.

My home life wasn't wonderful, my mom struggled with her own demons well into her adult life and now that I'm an adult I understand she was doing her best considering the weight she carried around. My real father was never around and my stepdad was a blessing, but also a struggling/functioning alcoholic. I picked probably some of the worst people to date and one in particular broke me, for a long time. Those feelings never went away but with him they were so much more intense.

I FINALLY after 5 years broke that hold he had on me, I met the most amazing man who is now my husband. I was two handfuls, honestly. I cried a lot, got insecure a lot, expressed hating myself a lot and do you know he never left? He never stopped telling me how important and beautiful I was. He stopped me from drowning more times than I can count. That actually made me feel worse, dragging a loving and happy person down with me. If I can be completely honest, I guess I should- NOTHING besides self-medicating ever made me feel better. I needed that pill or that drink, whatever to have a happy/normal interaction with people and be a happier mom for my kids but that had to stop. It started crippling me more than helping me- my sweet husband, he gave me that talk, stayed strong with me and supported me through.

Here's the happy part! 

I found organic things that bring me excitement/happiness and peace. I learned to carve out my days as best as I can to avoid a complete meltdown of either anxiety or depression. I used to think if I had this, or looked like that- then I could finally be happy but I was just lying to myself. I have found a hobby, I love to make pretty things (crafting). I stay active in my kid’s school life and their events and holidays. I started drinking more water and exercising everyday even if only a few minutes. You know what? That organic happiness lasts a lot longer than anything I've taken or any dark holes I've let myself fall into.

My real father and another close family member both committed suicide, it hurt me but it woke me up too. Will I have a day where I'm freaking out at the sight of the mess my 3 kids made? Will I walk into a store and sweat and panic? Will I get in my bed and be sad? YES. But that's a part of who I am and I'm learning to accept it and love it because my strengths do outweigh my weaknesses.

-Anonymous