A little back story.
At the age of 14 I was told I it would only be by God’s will that I would have children.
Fast forward 7 years, 5 surgeries, countless medications, depression, and feelings of inadequacy to December 12, 2015.

This was the first time I ever saw two little pink lines. A miracle from God. Everything was great until our 20 week anatomy scan. We were sent to a specialist the next week. The first appointment with our specialist, we were informed that our baby girl would not live past birth. Our world fell apart.

She was diagnosed with severe left sided congenital diaphragmatic hernia, 3 heart defects, and genetic testing showed 3 chromosomal mutations.

We saw more specialists in Jackson, whom filled us full of false hope. We had to relocate to Jackson to be next to the hospital. At 30 weeks, we started daily appointments.

July 22, 2016 started out like any normal day. We got up, went for our morning appointment. Baby Shaylene had stopped responding and moving. Two hours later we were rolling into an emergency C-section. She had a heartbeat for only 11 minutes.

My first baby, my tiny miracle, was snatched from me in the blink of an eye. Three days in the hospital, empty, and broken. My heart and body aches for my daughter. The denial was incredibly unsettling. I wasn’t living, I was just going through the motions.

The next day after getting home from the hospital, barely able to move from my C-section, and we planned her funeral.

I can’t begin to describe the pain, I wanted to die. I begged countless nights for God to take me. I could not bear life without her. There were many days I contemplated driving into a guard rail or a tree at 80mph just to end the pain.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, severe anxiety, and I’m sure there were more but I can’t remember all the terms.

I dissociated from everyday life. I couldn’t go anywhere in the fear of having to see a baby, children, or a pregnant woman. I hated myself. I contemplated suicide so very many times. It was the darkest place I have ever been.

Seven months I lived like this and then on January 24, 2017, I seen two unexpected pink lines. All the depression, PTSD, and anxiety never left, it was still there just even more heightened. My entire pregnancy with my son was terrifying. But God kept his promise. On September 28, 2017, my entire world changed. My son was sent to save me.

That doesn’t mean that the depression, anxiety, and PTSD are gone. Believe me, it’s still there, but I’ve learned to cope better. It’s okay to still be depressed, it’s okay to still have bad days. Do not feel guilty for the way you feel. We can’t control what happens in life, but we can control our willingness to learn to live with it. God carried me through everything and kept his promises. One day I will see my little girl, but until then, I will keep fighting for happiness. My depression will not define me.

Isiah 66:9
I will not cause pain without allowing something knew to be born says the lord.

-Caity