Blueberry pie was the last dessert my grandfather had.

Its’ funny things I can remember and the things that feel underwater now following his sudden death. He had surgery the next day and we went out to eat. When I went to leave his house, I would always hug him bye and say, "I love you." When I went to hug him, he hugged me tighter than usual with both hands while burying his face into my neck and said, "I love you." I laughed at him because I thought he was being silly and looking back at my reaction I have had a lot of guilt for not realizing he was telling me bye for good. I have no idea how many time he said, "I love you," and hugged me. I just remember it was over and over again.

He gave me $5 out of his wallet and when I asked why, he said, "your allowance."  I laughed again and said, "thank you!" He reached back his wallet and gave me all the cash he had, it might have been twenty dollars. He had this intense eye contact with me like he was soaking in a moment that I didn't know was important. I hugged him again and this time didn't laugh at him but I was smiling. I play that moment over and over again in my head even now as an adult and wish I could have understood the significance.

Before I could see him again he was gone forever. I remember feeling immediately vulnerable and lonely like my protection from evil in the world was gone. I used to climb under beds as a kid when I was upset and that day I climbed under a bed for hours. What I remember most about him was how big he dreamed for me. This man literally thought I could do anything. The underwater feeling lasted a long time after he passed and I am not sure what finally made me feel like my head broke the surface. I just remember several people in my life reaching for me and I guess I was finally ready to grab the hand and pull myself up. When the water rushes over you please don't be afraid to grab the hands reaching for you. 

"Grief is like the ocean, it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

Today (June 3rd) is his birthday, 

-Victoria Everett