After my husband and I got married, we decided to start trying for a baby immediately. Growing up, I had always heard, "it only takes one time." Little did I know, that statement was so far from the truth for me. Months of trying led to feelings of desperation and finally, I worked up the nerve to see a doctor. After a visit, my worst fears were confirmed. I was diagnosed with PCOS which is a leading cause of infertility in women. I was prescribed a medication to help me ovulate, but I was told if I didn't lose weight, fertility drugs would never work for me. Soon after this appointment, depression started to set in and I became very discouraged.
I had been on the medication for 4 years and I still wasn't having any luck, but I was no longer in pain, just slipping further into depression without addressing it with a doctor. Another year went by and I decided it was time to try to lose some weight. I started taking weight loss supplements and had lost 50 pounds over a few months’ time. I was feeling better and felt more eager to give this thing a go again, but with a new doctor.
Seeing this new doctor helped me so much. He was amazing and truly cared. He said certain fertility drugs would most certainly work with my current weight. He warned me of the risks and he warned me that there's a higher chance of multiples. With me only having a small chance of ever getting pregnant without the fertility drugs, I decided right then and there to give it a try. I was on the medication for a couple of months and became pregnant.
I couldn't believe the test right I was holding held all the answers I had been dreaming of for years. I started having some issues so I made a doctor appointment. My husband went with me as they confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, but something didn't feel right for me. The pain I was having didn't seem normal. The excitement I had when I took the pregnancy test was no longer there. Something was wrong and I had no idea what was in store for us next. Almost a week later, I woke up to get ready for work, but couldn't move because of the unbearable pain. I had started bleeding and could barely walk. My husband rushed me to the ER. I had been researching the pain from the last doctor visit and prayed the whole way to the ER it wasn't happening.
Shortly after arriving, we were called back. I was told to put a gown on for an ultrasound. It felt like we were there forever. Finally the doctor came in and told me I had an ectopic pregnancy. My life just flashed before me and my whole world crumbled at that moment. I asked for options but there were none for me.
I was in such bad shape they had to take me into surgery right away. I remember being rolled away and I remember leaving the hospital. I remember nothing in between those moments. It was like I blacked out and I didn't care if I came out of surgery because I knew my baby wasn't coming with me. After a few weeks of recovery, I decided to go back to work, which only made things worse for me.
Driving home one day, I was begging for my life to be over instead of having to feel so numb. I pulled into the parking lot of a family clinic and spoke with a doctor about my depression and anxiety and how bad it had all gotten. Something told me to do this, because I was so incredibly numb and didn't even know what I was doing any more. I was at a very dangerous point in my life and no one even knew how bad things were for me. I felt like I had to be strong for other people.
Fast forward to 7 months and I ended up pregnant again. I had started bleeding again so I went to the doctor and they ran tests. A day or two later, I called and begged and begged them to just go over the results with me. The nurse confirmed another fear; I was having a miscarriage. I spent a day and a half in bed and in the worst pain. Even worse than the surgery, I had to feel my second baby leave my body! I was in agony. I was angry. I wanted answers.
The doctor told me sometimes that was God's way of taking care of an unhealthy pregnancy and I didn't want to believe that. I spent days screaming at God and my faith was slipping, but I chose to still have some faith to make it through. I took myself off of the fertility medication and decided to give my body a break from everything. A few months down the road, I was eating lunch with my husband and felt sick so I left from there and went home to lay down. The next day going to work, I was so dizzy and nauseous.
That night, I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant with no fertility drugs. We went to doctor appointment after doctor appointment, we heard the heartbeat, and we saw our baby grow from a tiny nugget to a real doll size baby. This was everything we prayed for, for years. The first trimester was incredibly hard because I wasn't allowed to have my meds I had needed only months before. Once I was in the second trimester, I was able to take those meds again and I began to embrace my pregnancy and bought some girly things because I just knew we were having a girl. We had our gender reveal, and of course, like we believed, we were having a sweet baby girl.
Months went by and excitement was building. My Nanny, my best friend, had been buying for months, and we knew the child was going to be spoiled rotten. On Christmas night to early the next morning of 2017, my Nanny passed away. I was completely devastated. Another loss I had to somehow make it through. She had been there for everything in my life and she was planning to be there for all my baby's firsts and everything after. All those plans, we had were GONE!! Almost 2 weeks later on January 10, 2018, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Vivian Leigh Belle Byrd.
The pregnancy was perfect, she was perfect, she's still just as perfect!! I think every day about her siblings we lost that are now looking down on her and us, and I think every day about my Nanny and all the love she gave this little girl before she was born, and the love we will always tell Vivian about. Every day, I see my Nanny in this little girl and it helps me so much. She was everything we needed. She saved me. She loves me. She is my greatest blessing!! She makes me regret ever wanting to give up, because she gives me life and a whole new meaning!! She is worth living for!
-Kristen
