CRYSTAL

“God only gives special needs children to special people.” We have all heard this quote. Though I firmly believe in God’s perfect plan, I find this statement only half truth. The truth is we are simply ordinary people handed extraordinary circumstances. How we choose to react to those circumstances is the true measure of strength.

My son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder along with significate Anxiety at the age of 4. I never could have imagined the impact that diagnosis would have on my life. I have never viewed a diagnosis as a label but a responsibility. A responsibility to act! To fight the ultimate fight for your child. Apart of that fight was educating myself and others that might come in contact with my son. Before I knew it, I had immersed myself in the world of advocacy. 

That fight gave me a purpose and an undeniable passion. It became a form of self-medication. There is no better medicine for a servant’s heart than to help those around you. However, not always having the means to do so can easily be consuming. You see, to the world some see a strong wife, mother and advocate. The reality is some of the strongest individuals can also be the ones that feel most broken.

For as long as I can remember, I have dealt with Anxiety and Depression along with OCD tendencies. Things that seemed to come easy for others required extra effort on my part. Though my home life looked much different than my friends, I managed to be a part of the “it” crowd in school. That in itself was a full time job. The weight of living up to my own expectations was hard to carry. This led to a pretty serious Eating Disorder and destructive behavior throughout high school and college. Once I started dating my husband, life as I knew it began to change. I was no longer in the constant search for the love of others. He loved and accepted me and all my brokenness. However, the need for control and order was always present.

Mental Illness is something many of my close family members have experienced. This has led to addiction, hospitalization, incarceration and isolation of some of those closest to me. I have always leaned heavily on my faith and my responsibility to my family. Without the reassurance of HIS word and the love and support of my amazing husband I can’t imagine how different my life would look. Despite a wonderful support system and a gracious God, I found it harder to keep this part of my life under wraps. It had become absolutely exhausting. I felt such guilt when I would see so many that longed for the things I have in my life. I knew how very blessed I was and was beyond thankful for these blessings. That’s what made the feelings of disconnect, hopelessness and constant anxiety so hard to understand.

This past year I had the impossible tasks of having an immediate family member involuntarily committed. I watched as this person became almost unrecognizable. This process was a wakeup call for me. I began to look at my own behavior. I saw many warning signs. I knew I wanted to be present for my children. My family was no longer getting the best parts of me. It had become harder to connect to almost anyone or anything. My life was literally living me. 

I took the very difficult step to go through the diagnostic process myself. I would have to face things I have worked my whole life to hide. If my son can overcome insurmountable odds each day, I owed him this. How could I teach acceptance if I don’t practice what I preach? I also needed to be the best example possible to my daughter. To teach her the beauty of imperfection! It was much harder than I imagined! If the true measure of strength is how you respond to diversity, then it was my time to act.

After a 6 month process, I have a name for what I have lived most of my life. I’ll be the first to admit the road to self-realization is a bumpy one. I now have that same responsibly to myself. The same responsibility to act! Mental illness is something that touches almost every family. It is NOT a choice! Through this journey, I was reminded how hard we work to teach individuals to conform to what society deems as normal behavior... or how hard we try to do this within ourselves! How fair is that?

- “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” Anonymous

-Crystal Ponder Phillips