I remember at the age of 13 I was at my mom’s office and she got a call that my brother had been in a horrible accident.  He was in an ambulance and headed to the hospital.  From there he was rushed to FGH for brain surgery.  I believe this is where my depression and anxiety began.

At 16, I attempted suicide.  I took a handful of pills because I couldn’t handle feeling like I did anymore.  I then ran and told my mom what I had done because I snapped back to reality and knew I wasn’t ready to die.  I didn’t want to put my parents through more than they were already going through.  My brothers were on drugs and it was killing my parents because they couldn’t help them.

Fast forward a number of years and I attempted it again.  By this time, I was married and a mother to a precious little girl. We had tried for a couple of years to get pregnant with no luck.  I finally got pregnant and when I was about 16 weeks, the baby had no heartbeat.  I was devastated.  Again, depression consumed me and I had my entire suicide planned out.  My husband had me go straight to the doctor.  I told her exactly how I was feeling and what my plan was. I was involuntarily committed.  I thought I was at my lowest point.

Fast forward a number of years and I had two wonderful kids and felt like I was doing well.  Until my world fell apart.  I found myself in the middle of a divorce.  I didn’t know how I was going to survive both mentally and physically.

This is where my alcoholism began.  I battled with this for two years.  I was depressed and I didn’t want to face the fact that I was alone and felt unloved, unwanted, and misunderstood. I didn’t realize I had a problem until I found myself at home alone and drank a fifth of whiskey by myself.

I got myself together and started focusing on what was important.  Although, I still didn’t want nor did I know how to deal with the issue and the events that had taken place.  During my battle with alcohol, I was raped.  I did not tell anyone.  I had pushed it so far back in my compartmentalized mind that I literally forgot who it was and what he looked like.  To this day, I still can’t tell you who it is and what he looks like because it is tucked away so far back in my mind.

Today, I have accepted that I am bipolar, I am on my meds and take them as prescribed.  I have a WONDERFUL husband and a great life.  My kids are now 13 (almost 14) and 8 (almost 9).  I’ve been married almost 5 1/2 years.

I still struggle with depression and anxiety but now, I immediately reach out for help.  I still withdraw at times when I have no real reason for it and try to explain to my family that it isn’t a result of outside factors and that it is just a chemical imbalance in my brain.

I am a survivor and I am an educator.  I am me and I believe God made me like I am to be able to help those who are struggling with mental health issues.

It’s time we start speaking up and educating people on mental health issues.  Together, we can destroy the stigma behind it and save so many lives.

I will leave you with this.  Those who struggle so deeply with suicide because they don’t know how to deal with what’s going on inside them- remember this... as a suicide survivor I can tell you that we don’t want to die... we just don’t want to feel like this anymore.

-Brittani