When I was young, I was confident, outgoing, and I never met a stranger.  In elementary I met a girl that quickly became my best friend.  We were pretty much together any chance we got.  But she was so mean.  Everything about me was weird, dumb, ugly, etc. anything she could say and do to make fun of me and bully me.  She would get others to do the same.  I have no idea why I stayed friends with these kids, but this lasted from kindergarten to sixth grade.  Then I’d finally had enough.  We stopped being friends but so much damage was already done. 

The confident, outgoing, friendly kid was gone.  In her place was a kid filled with anxiety, fear, and anger.  Every time I was around anyone, I assumed they were making fun of me.  I was terrified to speak, terrified to let anyone see the real me.  Soon I became someone I hated.  I’d go from not speaking to seeking any attention I could get.  Most of that attention came from older guys, so you can imagine how that turned out.  I’d never let anyone get close enough to know me, and I became extremely guarded.  

In eighth grade, I was disgusted with myself enough that I started cutting.  Thankfully, I had an amazing teacher that helped me through that time.  (I go to church with him now and I don’t even think he knows me, but I will never forget how he saved my life.)  I quit cutting, but the attention seeking and hiding who I really am lasted for way too long.  Eventually I had a child and she saved my life.  I didn’t care about any attention but hers, and I wouldn’t dare let her be raised in an unstable environment.  

Although she helped me make better decisions, that didn’t magically take away my anxiety.  Panic attacks, fear of being around others, and of what they were thinking of me was still horrible.  But I didn’t want my girls to see me be so afraid of being around others.  I didn’t want that to become their fear because of me.  So through medicine, the help of some amazing coworkers who are now my best friends, and most of all a TON of prayers I’ve gotten better.  I’ve slowly began to let go of some of the negative thoughts I had held onto since elementary school.  I’m not there yet.  I still have trouble forming relationships and friendships.  I’m extremely private and don’t like people knowing anything about me, but I’m no longer scared of being in a room full of people.  I’m not worried about if they think I’m strange, ugly, or dumb.  

I’ve learned that I have a voice and it matters.  Everyone’s voice matters.

-Anonymous