He was only 22 years old... He was only 22 years old. It has been 42 years and now that I am 61 I realize how young Jeff was. He was so young, but he was my brilliant hero of an older brother who committed suicide at the age of 22. My three brothers and I always had jobs growing up. One snowy day in the Seattle winter, my younger brother and I were walking home tearful and cold in the snow when we met with Jeff. Jeff sang silly songs and held our hands and kept us warm and safe. That’s the type of person he was.

He joined the army out of high school, married, and had a beautiful daughter. His daughter was too young when he died to remember him, but I know he would be so proud of her. We didn’t know how sad he was and the army didn’t tell us that he had made 2 previous suicide attempts until after he died. 

He went AWOL from the base and came home. The army dishonorably discharged him. The day he committed suicide, Jeff came from Jackson to Hattiesburg and spent the day with me at the University of Southern Mississippi (USM) where I was a Freshman. He still had his work clothes on from the service station which I thought was weird but I didn’t mention it. Back in Jackson, when he didn’t come home from work, my parents immediately suspected something was wrong. He wanted to go to a movie but I had a night lab class that now, looking back, was not important but I was immature and blind to the amount of pain he was feeling.

After leaving USM, Jeff drove to a wooded and isolated area and ended his life by shooting himself in the heart with a pistol that belonged to my dad.  

After Jeff died, my mother, who was in a wheelchair, successfully fought to get his discharge status changed. She had to go to a panel of army officers. It’s sad to see that stories like Jeff’s still happen every day to active duty service members and veterans in America. According to the 2019 National Veteran Suicide Prevention Annual Report put out by U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, veteran suicides exceed 6,000 each year from 2008 to 2017. In U.S. adults, the average number of veteran suicides per day rose from 15.9 in 2005 to 16.8 in 2017. Fire arms were the method of suicide 70.7% of male veterans and 43.2% of female veterans in 2017. 

I used to go to his grave and cry in anger and guilt. Now I still sometimes cry but I understand some of the pain and hopelessness. I take comfort in knowing that I will see him again and get to tell him that I am sorry and that I want to talk to him. I think suicide is different for families because it’s their pain and your failure and blindness to see the pain. I miss him every day. The suicide of my brother sent a ripple of changes through my family which hit every person that loved him. When my mother was dying she said that Jeff was visiting her and comforting her. She would say, “It was so good to see him.”

-Theresa Ford

☎️If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts please call The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.