Sometimes it’s hard to put my mental health into words. I’ve been wanting to write something for awhile now, but depression has pulled out every ounce of motivation and energy I have and thrown it on the floor. The anxiety I face has me freaking out because I haven’t written anything for Vic yet (I hate disappointing),and I’m definitely not one who likes to procrastinate.
So here I am, just now typing this out as I wish I’d already done. But, thanks to depression, I’ve done what I said I hate to do, procrastinate. Woohoo. The joys of having both anxiety and depression. The struggle of battling with both of these mental health issues on a daily basis is rough. Yeah, it’s doable, but it’s not fun. It’s exhausting. It’s the kind of feeling where your brain is constantly telling you to do more because the house is a mess, do more because you want to make your husband proud, do more because your mom has always been able to do it, do more because it’s what society expects from you.
That’s anxiety for you, or at least that is anxiety for me. Now depression, well, that’s the other negative in this scenario. It makes you feel like you can’t do anything. And often, in my reality, I simply just can’t so I don’t. It takes all your energy and leaves you feeling hopeless, not good enough, sad, embarrassed and sometimes even numb.
The paralyzing feeling of depression is real. It’s scary. There are times I can’t even hold my baby boy because I can barely hold myself up. I feel as if I weigh 500 lbs and can’t even lift a finger or do anything productive. Eventually, hours and sometimes days later, I end up getting the willpower to do what I need to do, but man, it is so so so difficult; some days more than others.
As with any disease, you of course have your good days. Since having my little boy, I’ve had some really great days. Don’t get me wrong, postpartum was a monster, but Kace makes every single day worth living. He gives me that happiness that depression often takes away. I also have my amazing husband and family to thank for loving me, helping me, and never giving up on me.
Above anyone or anything, there is something this disease can’t take away from me and that is my salvation. Without Christ, I’ve realized I’m nothing. He makes me feel whole. He reminds me that I’m beautiful, I’m worthy, and I have a purpose. Whenever I start to feel down, which has been a good bit here lately, I just remind myself that Jesus loves me. No matter what, that will always be enough. It should be enough for any of us.
HE died for US so that WE can LIVE for HIM. We are so undeserving, but he says otherwise. Thank you, Lord. Since losing someone so close to me to suicide, I pray that NOBODY ever has to choose that. Suicide not only kills the person, but it kills family and friends too. Maybe not physically, but it can mentally cause so much hurt to those left behind. It’s devastating and should never be an option.
Remember, God says you are worth so much and more. He will help you. He will help me. He will help us! Psalm 40:2-3 “He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.”
God bless,
Emily Parker
