We are sold the idea of “happily ever after” from the moment we first begin to learn about love. I come from a product of a marriage that is currently at 35 years and counting. My parents’ marriage was the ideal goal when I got married in 2008. I was a blissfully naïve, mature for my age, yet emotionally and mentally underdeveloped 24 year-old man. One thing they don’t tell you about marriage is that you are meant to do the emotional work needed to make yourself the best person you can be before you get married. The amount of emotional work we both needed to go through is nearly indescribable. And with neither of us doing near the work we needed to do, marriage was very, very hard. Things were toxic, unhealthy, imbalanced, taxing, and difficult. Arguments were a near constant reality from small things to huge things. Infidelity made marriage even more difficult to maintain. As time grew on, my education grew; one degree turn into two. Through all of the chaos of the clashes, dealing with my ex’s physical health, and trying to keep a family together for the mere sake of a child, a huge dose of shock came when my uncle died.
I know the death of a relative sounds kinda random in this story, but hear me out. I spent years trying to put on a brave face in spite of how difficult my home life was. My immediate family and friends knew about how chaotic things were. My friends, older brother, and mom often expressed their desire for me to leave. It wasn’t until my uncle died that I knew how widespread my not-so-well-kept secret was known. I was confronted with what I had known for quite some time, I was miserable. On top of that, I was in an abusive relationship. Yes, men can go through emotional abuse as well; hell any type of abuse at that. I was unfulfilled at work and constantly complaining about how unhappy I was at home. So, about a month after the funeral, I made the scariest decision of my life, I asked for a divorce. I felt like I’d failed. I felt the guilt of the decision and not just because of my ex wife’s words that were used to add to my guilt. I felt that I was destroying the life I’d tried to build for my daughter. I felt like I failed in the eyes of God in some ways (and please believe that guilt was through at me too by a couple of people). As a Christian, I don’t believe God seeks to keep you in situations that because you pain or don’t serve. I was afraid of starting over again. My ex wife was my first major relationship and one that last 13 years. Tinder, Bumble, Black People Meet didn’t exist in 2004. At 33 years old, I became a divorcee.
So, I decided to move back to Bay St. Louis and start over. I sought out therapy before I left Ellisville which only last two sessions because apparently I was already on the path to healing. My therapist did have me make a list of qualities I wanted in a woman to help me see my worth and values reflected in the person I wanted to be with. I came home to a home my parents had been wanting me to have for some time. My dad cried when I moved in. Starting over didn’t come without its drama. And buddy, there definitely was some. I started a job with Canopy Children’s Solutions. I finally got to fulfill my dreams of becoming a therapist. I started to see my own worth through my work, and it then started to reflect in how I saw myself. About a year went by after the bitter end of my marriage, a new journey began which started as an Instagram DM has turned into a relationship that still seems too good to be true. Maybe just maybe it really is very true. I feel a sense of joy, I’ve never felt. A sense of ease I never knew a relationship could have. And after we hit our 1st anniversary last month, I have found a joy I don’t want to see end any time soon.
Divorce was tough. It has left scars on myself, my ex wife, and my daughter. We have each been on our own paths of healing. We still are working to be a family in a new form that comes when a marriage ends. Therapy has provided all three of us a means to find ways to cope and build fresh. But, for me, starting over and finding the reassurance in that decision has led to a new life I could’ve never imagined. Life can begin again in even brighter than before. It will take a little time and a little tenderness from yourself to take that first step down that path.
I host a weekly mental health podcast called The Captain's Couch.
On the podcast, I offer my professional perspective and personal journey as a black man to the topic of mental health, where I use pop culture references specifically Black pop culture to bridge the gap between psychological concepts and everyday life.
How to find the podcast: Currently on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcast, iHeartRadio,
Breaker, Stitcher, Overcast, PocketCasts, Podcasts in Color, and RadioPublic.
Follow me on social media: @captainscouch and @capt_ingenuity on
Twitter, @capt_ingenuity on IG, and The Captain’s Couch page on FB.
Leave 5 star reviews on iTunes and Stitcher. You can contact the podcast with feedback @
[email protected]. You can also leave feedback by using the hashtag
#thecaptainscouch on IG, FB, and Twitter. Use the hashtag #podin if you’re tweeting
about the show as well.
-Byron Taylor
